Cookies, Honey, Ball gowns, and Beauty

I’ve been meaning to blog about this moment with my savior for a while now, and I see it as a better time now, then ever. As many of you know I was dealing with intense ministry burn out, the hardening of my heart, and the wonderfully glorious struggle of brokenness. When this moment happened with my savior, I had just left the church I was serving at and my heart and sprit began the process of healing. I was also physically sick and honey and lemon tea were the true fixers of the torn up throat I couldn’t seem to shake off. I realized then honey was such a wonderful gift, so much so that I was inspired to bake! If you know me, you know I’m dreadful in the kitchen but I ventured out anyways to create honey cookies! J

I found my self in my pajamas at 10:00 at night molding honeycomb shaped on a cookie sheet out of wrongly mixed, sticky, sweet honey cookie dough. I had worship music playing in the background and was wearing my oldest, cruddiest, pair of sweats. My curls were without guidance on my head, and my face only had left over makeup on from the crazy day I just had. One would think this would be a set up for disaster or quite possibly a nervous break down.

Yet, I felt the sprit strongly. I felt beautiful. Like prettier than the day I went to prom, or prettier than the last time a handsome man commented on my beauty. I felt beautiful, and as If I were created uniquely to be Woman.

If you know of my life and calling towards ministry, you may know that there are times where I wished I was man because in my mind it would make serving Jesus easier. I didn’t understand why I was female with my passion for church history and interest in church plants and restoration, and leaving the church I had just left this was such a sore subject for me. And well, my self-esteem has always been a rough spot for my chubby, awkward self.

But it was in that moment baking those cookies that I felt beautiful, I felt captivating, and loved, and felt peace about the issues that were plaguing the spirit within me. I was all by myself yet I felt as if I had walked into a ball in front of many and all the ladies and gents were whispering to one another saying, “she’s beautiful.” It may sound silly but it is a dream of mine to have a cinderella story, where prince charming meets me at the bottom of the stairs, ready to sweep me away. But, this moment was more precious than that moment could ever be, this moment my dancing partner was Jesus, and I was living for an audience of one.

I told a friend that story a few nights ago, reminding me of my need to share this experience with all of you. He also mentioned to me the significance of honey, that rabbis used to give it to their students to remind them of God’s sweetness, which is beyond fitting for this moment in which I received the Lord’s sweetness

The Lord is sweet. He is the lover of my soul, and with in me his sweetness calms my soul.